Belief in Ourselves

One thing that’s gotta give is the belief that conquering the eating disorder is out of our own personal control. I believe God gives us the power through his Holy Spirit, but we, in recovery, have a major part to play too. For those of us who battle anorexia, especially once we’re weight restored, it really comes down to choice. Do we choose physical, emotional, and spiritual life or death? We can choose to eat every meal and every snack of ever day and stay on our meal plans.

~ Kristy Lahoda

I had a dream a few months ago. In my dream, I was walking in a town square where an atomic bomb was about to be dropped. The strange thing was I knew it was coming, and yet I flocked right to where I knew it would be dropped.

Who does that?

I was lying on my belly in the drop zone ready for it along with thousands of others. Then I, along with a group of people around me, decided to move from the blast zone to the outskirts. I’m not sure why I moved other than I had to. It wasn’t by choice, though my legs did push me up and carry me out. There was a group of people running toward us, so we might have moved to avoid getting trampled. When I got to the outskirts of the square and dropped to my belly, the plane flew directly over us. I immediately whipped out my phone and began filming. It flew to where we’d been lying and dropped the bomb. Just before I turned my head away from the blast, I saw people running. I saw the blast lift one person. I was so close to the blast zone, I was in plain view of the bomb and the fallout. The shock waves hit us, yet my body barely swayed.

I believe my dream was a representation of my battle with anorexia. I was lying in the blast zone, waiting to get hit, but God moved me out. I willingly let Him do what I couldn’t in my own strength. Even though we may be lying in the blast zone, at our core, most, if not all, of us desperately want out, and yet we stay. We somehow believe we are safe from the world where we are–we think we are hiding in the right place, and yet, there’s an eating disorder—a nuclear warhead plane—one day heading our way, and we flock to it, not thinking or believing or even fully comprehending the damage it can do to us.

By God’s grace and power, I moved from ground zero before I lost my life, yet I wouldn’t allow Him to move me completely from the vicinity of harm. I stayed on the outskirts but still within the blast zone. And I got hurt from the anorexia fallout.

Every day in recovery, I have the choice to either walk back into Ground Zero or get out of dodge. I believe the dream was God showing me what He’s done for me, and what I still need to do with His help. Fallout is cancerous–it’s deadly. Seek refuge, and don’t turn back.


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